Melancholia

Have you ever thought of yourself as something else? When I was a kid, I used to picture myself as a superhero flying here and there across the planet, looking for someone who would need my help. I also used to imagine I'm a military general commanding battalions and battalions of killing machines, ready to unleash hell. I'd also think of myself as an adventurer, traversing the globe in search of riches.

But where the hell am I now? I'm in this fucking shithole of a life (or no life) where I continue to find my own happiness- rather, contentment- every goddamn day. Get up just before noon, go to work, work, work... then go home dead wasted just before daybreak.

All my friends from my childhood have already achieved their dreams. My bestfriend is now an engineer, one is finishing from Med school, the others became college instructors, even my ex is now preparing for the Bar exam! Me, I'm sucked in a blackhole. I envy those people who has followed their dreams in life and worked their asses really hard to obtain it. I envy them because somehow, something motivates them to go for it. The things and the people I thought were my driving forces in life end up giving up one way or another... Something's fucking wrong with me.

Ever had that feeling in life when you thought you were with people you trust and they end up plotting something against you? You yourself would end up curling up in one corner of your room weeping because you've given everything for these people, feeding them from your palms, but then they've ended up biting your hand off instead? That's the reason why I treasure every little achievement, every single heartache, every fucking denial that I had to go through because somehow, it changed my views on life and made me a tougher person.

I had this picture of my childhood friends taken shortly just before we graduated from high school. Our eyes we're burning with high hopes and ambitions. The future seemed bright. I don't know... We made plans of getting together every year on our homecoming celebration and it's been almost 10 years now and I haven't attended a single homecoming yet... Next year, perhaps...

One day, when I am old, just when I'm about to leave this earth, I'd look back into my past like what I am doing right now, smile, and sarcastically say " Fuck you life, I survived".